My Own Way - Chapter 4

Girl alone with her insecurities and lives’ challenges. 

The alternative lifestyle tried to get me at 14 years of age. This may offend some but its okay. I know and understand the cost of surrendering my life to the Lord and therefore with love I stand against homosexuality. This lifestyle saw my need for acceptance. I had always been the protector of my family and I was struggling with issues of not fitting in with the girl role. I did not play with dolls, I did not dress like a girl and I did not stay at home learning how to cook. I was a tomboy and enjoyed being in jeans and playing sports. I was always comfortable playing the male role of protector, being physically strong with a strong inner confidence. I wasn’t confused, I just knew that I didn’t fit in with the girly stuff.

The stigma of Mental Illness in my family stemming from my mother’s side of the family being all messed up while everyone else had a wonderful family with a Mother and a Father who worked (this was a lie in my head) and that everyone else had a wonderful family.

I come from a single mom upbringing and this was really difficult for me to handle. Little did I realize that every home had their issues and also doing the best they could to mask the pain that they lived. I really believed that it was just my family that was weird. Today, I understand clearly how as children we learn early on that we do not talk about what goes on in our homes such as adultery, drunkenness, domestic abuse, molestation or drugs.

As a teenager I began to experiment with pills to cover up my home issues and insecurities about Mom’s illness and my father’s abandonment leaving me to carry the burden of caring for my single mom. I became rebellious at 13 years old with no respect for my Mother. 

At 15 years old I was sent to live with my Dad and had to grow up quickly. Now I was living with a stranger I called “Dad.” I did not realize just how angry and hurt I have been with this person for abandoning his family and leaving me with the responsibility of caring for my litter sister and Mom. I thought I loved this stranger in my dreams, but now in reality he was just another figure trying to discipline me.

At 18 years old, I met my Prince Charming and fell in love. I accepted the role of wife and later mother for our baby girl. I quickly grew up and learned how to cope with 2 different worlds. One was family acceptance from my Prince’s large family and also my own small mixed up family. I was happy in these youthful years. We got out of the “ghetto” and began to live the life of the middle class. I knew that I had to work hard so that I did not become like my Mom. Yes, this is crazy thinking and I had not yet learned how to forgive! So everything was perfect according to my own way.

The image I had of myself growing up was that I was ugly, fat and with no sense of knowing how to speak to people. I had a very low self-esteem because growing up I had a horrible set of teeth. This really made my growing up years awkward and unhappy because I was always covering my mouth when I spoke. Being overly self-conscience about my teeth, myself and my speech, I was awkwardly shy. At 30 years old, I got braces and that was the turning point in my life. Getting braces was something that I had secretly desired since I was a teen, and would cause my transformation into a swan plus give me the confidence I needed in myself as a woman.

At 33 years old, life began to change and I was awakened to the freedom of “Self.”  I began to exercise and I went from this ugly duckling into the beautiful swan (in my head of course), and I still was having alot of crazy thinking going on in my head! I had false confidence and thought that I was pretty. This lie moved me into a world of deceit, shame and more lies which began to cause a separation for me in my marriage along with the fact that I had this false image of myself.

The lies that I was listening to and the deception that I was living became too much for me and

quickly my “Camelot” began to fall.

I moved out of my marriage and began a worse nightmare for myself and my family. I had lived “My Own Way” and now I was lost, broken, confused and hurt. I had made such a mess of myself and my life. This is where I was when I found my path to “At The Well - (John 4: 9 – 30).  

This is where He (Jesus) told me all things that I ever did and forgave me.” I had finally surrendered my life over to God. I came into a life of peace, healing and Christianity. Many would say why Christianity? The only true answer I can give is, that at this broken moment of my life is where I experienced the most pure, clear and real moment of love. There are no words to describe “this enlightening moment,” when you ask Jesus to come into your heart, it sets you free.

I want to apologize to those who can not understand this. Just know that when you are in the place where you have lost everything and are broken enough to finally surrender your life over to Jesus, this is what happens. You cry out for help and God hears you and saves you.

2 Chronicles 7:14

“If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

The peace, joy and new wonderful things that I began to understand about God were now within my soul. As I continued to study the Bible and grow in knowing who God is and finally having a relationship with God, I began to excel in my career and another one of those teenager desires was fulfilled in my life – I always wanted to be a “secretary.”

With Christianity I now have found “freedom, true love, spiritual guidance and learning to live my life, not in my own way but according to God’s Word. Let me ask, "Can you see the difference in my life since I surrendered to God?" 

I have learned how to love others and care about them. Before it was all about me and my own ways.  I am growing up now with a strong and confident reliance on God. This gives me true self-esteem and hope. I have God on my side as my Protector and as my Friend. This is my story of where I was when I came to The Well and met the Jewish man called Jesus.