Emptied Handed By Michelle Mora

Leaving the hospital emptied handed with no baby. This is not what you were expecting. This isn’t how it works. Where is my baby that is supposed to be leaving with me? Why must I leave emptied handed?

We left the hospital at midnight. I didn’t want to be there anymore and the doctor agreed that it was best to get me out of there. I had a 4 year old to get home to.

What was supposed to be an exciting ride home became a painful, empty and slightly quiet ride. We couldn’t wait to get to our precious little guy but we also knew going home would be a whole other obstacle that we would need to get through. How would we explain this to our 4 year old…would he understand? The little sister he excitedly waited for to help and play with wasn’t coming home. We were no longer going to be learning how to live with a baby schedule, instead we would be figuring out her funeral services and learning to live without her.

The moment we arrived home we cuddled with our little boy squeezing him tightly. As the three of us laid there on our bed, our son awakened and asks if it was true that he wasn’t going to have a sister anymore? I didn’t expect that question that night. I prayed that God would give me the wisdom and words to explain to him in a way he would understand. I remember explaining that Jesus needed her help in heaven and that He had a job for her up there. Our son expressed how he didn’t understand why God needed his sister and didn’t God have enough angels to help him?

I explained to him that God needed her special help and I assured him that she was in great hands. Then I remembered how my Dad told us that when they told my son his sister passed that at first he was upset but then stopped and wiped his eyes and told everyone to not cry because everything was going to be okay. As I was remembering that story I told my son that we had to help everyone else understand that our baby was with Jesus and remind them not to worry. He agreed and tears rolled down my cheeks while my husband squeezed me tightly. My son had a special job and he knew he would conquer it, thankfully he peacefully went back to sleep.

That week was a whirlwind of emotions. Having to let everyone know who hadn’t heard our news. Social media helped let it out to the majority who didn’t know. We had a lot of support from family, friends and our church family. Prayers were our biggest comforter, people who actually pulled us aside and prayed with us. Those who came to spend time with us really gave me comfort. I understand that not everyone feels that way, but we did. I loved the texts of love and support. Many expressed how they didn’t know what to say. When there is mourning many seem to stray away in fear of what to say. Yet just having someone there by our side was all we needed.

It wasn’t like I didn’t want to talk about what happened, for me it was more like I didn’t want to just put it aside. So many times this situation happens and people want to just keep it quiet, or people can’t understand just how much this baby meant to their loved ones. I needed to talk about her because even though our baby passed before the world could met her, I knew her, I felt her, and we shared something that was unexplainable. I may have not seen her before we met but I knew so much about her that no one else knew. She was my daughter.

It hurts and it’s very difficult when people tried to comfort me by saying “don’t worry its okay you will have others” and “you’re still young.” I understand that they are trying to be comforting but it’s something that hurts. We may have others but it will never replace our Abigail Faith. This is now and we need to heal first. What we needed to hear was “I’m so sorry, I’m here.” Many gave us that and we are so grateful for their support.

All I could do through all of this was read God’s Word. There is so much truth and healing in God’s Word. The Bible has so many Godly people with their stories and how they held on to God though the impossible. The book of Psalms was amazing to read during this time. I found so much hope, so much peace and strength. God is able to speak to us through the Bible. I remember when there was a time I knew nothing about the Bible and how I just thought of it as some weird English rule book! O how wrong I was and where would I have been without it during this time of pain.

This first week should have been a time of bonding and healing physically with a newborn instead became a running around with no rest. We were back and forth to the mortuary and cemetery, endless errands and endless phone calls. I needed peace. I never realized how busy and important the task is when you need to handle a funeral.

Through this, I remember so many people voicing their doubt about God and how could this happen to “good” people! So let me explain this because too many people think along those same lines. One, there is no such thing as “good” people for we ALL fall short. Two, just because we do our best to do what is right, that does not provide us with a shield from tragedy or pain. When tragedy strikes, that doesn’t mean that God is no longer with us or that we are being punished.

Unfortunately, many people lose faith because they get confused. Pain and tragedy causes us to be humbled as the Pastor explained at church. He explained that when we are weak that’s when we should put our trust in God. We may say that we trust and believe in God but when something happens in our lives that is when the truth about how we feel about God comes out.

I agree that sometimes we can cause our own tragic circumstances because of disobedience but it can also be a time for us to get to know God and a time to learn something new. There will always be a purpose in our pain. Allow God to use it for His glory.

For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.  James 1:3 

In what do you put your trust in?

Since I choose to put my trust in Jesus, I still have joy in the midst of my pain. Joy is a gift from God independent of circumstances. I know that I can look at His goodness no matter of the pain or hurt in my heart because His grace is sufficient.

Even though my hands are emptied, my heart is filled with joy, love and peace that my loving Father filled me with because He loves me.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31