You are not ALONE

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan announced October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day which was chosen by Robyn Bear who founded October15th.com. She created “Wave of Light” where everyone is encouraged to light a candle between 7pm - 8pm in remembrance of all the little ones gone too soon. Many will go through without acknowledging this day, and I can say I was guilty of it until the loss of our daughter Abigail Faith.

This is my first year participating in this bittersweet day. It was a day of hurt, pain, tears, encouragement, support, faith & love. You don’t realize how many have gone through losing a little one too soon because many keep it to themselves and losing a baby has been a silent grief in so many hearts. Also, people’s belief that if a child is not alive outside the womb then there is no reason to grieve over them. This is unfair and it saddens me to think that they assume that the loss of a child while inside the womb would be less difficult to endure.

As a mother you begin to have an unconditional love that is unexplainable the moment you realize there is someone growing inside of you. You have dreams and hopes. You pray and you sing songs to your child and you overflow with joy no matter the fatigue, morning sickness, cravings and emotional changes your bodies go through. You fall in love, a love so grand that is beyond words. This little someone is special and beautiful and gives you purpose and a different view of the world and of your own life. After losing Abigail, a piece of me has died and I’m no longer the person I once was.

Yet, through this I have come to meet so many Mommies and families that have gone through this. Many women I knew have opened their hearts and let me in to hear their stories. Their hearts’ ached with mine no matter how long ago their lost happened and we shared the grief together. Statistics show that 1 in 4 pregnancies will be lost and now I see it and hear about it everywhere I go and it happens more than I ever would have imagined.

Mommies, Daddies…We are not alone. I pray for the silence to be broken. We do not need to grieve in silence. Most importantly God has not forsaken us, He is there with open arms to embrace us, to comfort, to heal, and to bring peace and strength in the midst of the heartache.

God never said we wouldn’t go through trials, heartaches or disasters but He did promise that He would carry us through it if we allowed Him to. We can rest in Him and in His promises of hope.

Through this journey this month I have found so much support. My family and Church family have blessed me. The support groups and families who have been through this have been one of the greatest support and encouragement that I have received. Standing together and hearing their stories has brought me the comfort of knowing I am not alone. When you go through something like this, having support is so important because sometimes your closest loved ones don’t always know how to help you.

I encourage you to find a support group and join in on some of the great projects that you can do in remembrance of your little ones. We will be able to keep our babies alive and to me that means the world. No matter how short our baby’s lives were they are a part of us forever. So keep them alive.

For me, I began the website https://inmemoryofabigailfaith.wordpress.com/ where I get to journal my thoughts and share them with others. My family and I enjoy participating in “A Walk to Remember,” where we walk the footsteps that our little ones can not walk here on Earth. I enjoy this event because being among other families who have lost their little ones we celebrate with each other and support each other through our journey. I encourage those of you who have an angel in Heaven to get informed and involved about these events, groups and projects.

Teske Drake, author of Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow is a mommy who has lost 3 babies and has written this amazing book to encourage other mommies. She directs you to your loving Father in Heaven who is holding our angels and He wants to bring you Hope and Love. She wrote this. “I can relate to the story of the man born blind found in John 9:2, where the question is asked “who sinned, was it this man or his parents that he would be born blind?  Jesus responds by saying “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed.”

The Lord has displayed his marvelous works through our stories and I am beyond grateful. I love this scripture because even while many have questioned me, “why would this happen to you, you don’t deserve this,” I can respond with a smile reminding them that no one is shielded from trials. Yet, God has done an amazing work through our pain in this journey. I have come to know God in such an intimate way that I can say I never want to lose this intimate relationship with Him and through my weakness My God is strong. Through the loss of my child God has given me a message of Hope, Love, Purpose, and Faith.

Jesus has held me under His wings and in His grace. I know His promises. I have been able to call upon the Lord and asked for forgiveness and for Him to come into my life to change me and make me into the one He created me to be. I have accepted Jesus and the sacrifice He went through for me and I know that I will see my Abigail. I know that Earth is the now and that Heaven is FOREVER. I will spend forever with my angel and with the One who has loves me unconditionally. The One who has given me strength and everything I need. What a hope and what a promise to hold on to! I pray that you too will be encouraged and comforted in the arms of our Father. “Father be The Rock of Salvation and their Comforter today and always, in Jesus’ name I pray

Spotty- A Big Brother’s Best Buddy

Spotty is my 6 year old son’s best buddy. Almost every child has a toy at one point in their childhood that never leaves their side. Spotty is my sons’ toy, who NEVER leaves his side but this stuffed animal has a special story.

My son was 4 years old when he found out he would be a Big Brother and at 4 years old he also found out he wouldn’t be experiencing being a big brother after all. He experienced Mommy’s belly growing with his little sister inside and grew with excitement over his duties which were yet to come. Unfortunately, my son had to also experience the concept of death when his sister became a Stillborn.

That is a lot for a little guy to understand and accept. Can you imagine the fear that we experienced as his parents having to help explain it for him so he could understand? It’s not easy and it was an everyday concept because my son does not forget even now, two years later at 6 years old. Children have no filters and they ask questions and they speak about how they feel. My son will tell my husband and me how much he misses his sister. He would ask so many questions, like:

·        “Why did his sister have to die? and

·        “Can I go to Heaven to play with her Mama? and  

·        “I wish I had my sister here with me” and

·        “Why does Jesus need my sister? and

·        “Mommy I miss my sister”

Yes, these are a few things my son would tell us. No, this is not easy. Losing a baby is not something that can be forgotten! It isn’t something you just get over! Losing a baby can never be replaced by another. The grief will always be there. The pain will always linger. However, God’s hope and love is also there. Our faith is what gets us through our darkest days. We have a hope.

This hope we have as an anchor of our soul, a hope both sure and steadfast. Hebrews 6:19.

We know our daughter is with Jesus and my son knows where his sister is. We know we will see her again. We know God loves us, we know God has not forsaken us. We know our hope is in God and heaven is our final resting place.

Faith is what has helped us. For my son not only has faith helped him through this but also his best buddy Spotty. In the picture above you will see my son sitting under a pink umbrella hugging Spotty. This would be their very first picture on the first day they met.

This day is the same day of his sister’s funeral when Spotty was given to him by a very close friend. My son has had a lot of stuffed animals so we thought Spotty would just be added to his collection. But day by day we realized that Spotty would not leave his side. Spotty became his bereavement therapy. He was able to be a big brother to Spotty. My son was waiting day after day to play, protect and change his little sister but when that day did not come, he found Spotty and he did just that with Spotty.

If you have lost a child as we have and you have older children I encourage you to find your “Spotty” because children have a different way of bereaving the loss of a sibling. Love your children with all your strength and allow them to ask about their siblings no matter how much it hurts. They are most likely hurting too even if you think they might not be. I would have never believed such a little guy could understand so much or feel so much. My son will draw family pictures regularly with his sister in them. He loves her so much without ever meeting her. For many it’s hard to believe but for the ones who have gone through this, they know.

I am grateful for this stuffed animal, Spotty who has become a part of our little family. I look at Spotty and think of all the joy my son has been filled with. The support Spotty has given through all my son’s tears, fears and most importantly cheers. I reminisce of all the adventures they have had together and the big brother experiences my son goes through with Spotty daily and the love and selflessness my son expresses to this stuffed animal. My son is not ashamed to tell you that his sister has died and is with Jesus and that Spotty is his best buddy/brother that goes everywhere with him.

I look at Spotty and see all the colors of the rainbow on it and I am reminded of the hope that one day I will have my “Rainbow Baby.” She is not to replace our Abigail, but rather give us a hope of God’s promises of His plans “Plans for good not evil, plans to prosper us and plans for hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11

Resources:

For a grieving sibling there are many books out there to help your children understand what has happened. For our family, stuffed animal Spotty was our son’s support as well as his faith.

http://www.foreverfootprints.org/ is an organization that has been a great support for our family.